Apparently I don't know anything

I know nothing. At least when it comes to Survivor. That's what the last episode taught me.

There have now been 19 (aired) iterations of Survivor. In pretty much every season there has been someone who “deserved” to win that was part of the final two (or three.) Of these 19, many, MANY times someone who didn’t deserve to win did. I will break each of them down, then circle back to the travesty that was Survivor Samoa.

Season 1: Survivor (now referred to as Survivor: Borneo)
Finalists: Richard Hatch and Kelly Wigglesworth
Deserved to win: Richard
Won: Richard 4-3

This season is a bit of an outlier because it was the first one, and either one of them had a legitimate claim to being worthy of winning. Richard played a better game, but she still would have been a worthy winner.


Season 2: Survivor: Australia
Finalists: Colby Donaldson and Tina Wesson
Deserved to win: Colby
Won: Tina 4-3

Colby played a good game, won the last immunity challenge and could have taken Keith the cook to the finals and had an easy win. Instead he took Tina, knowing that she might beat him. She did, because she was “nicer” despite not having any game play at all (which was shown again in All-Stars when she was booted first.)


Season 3: Survivor: Africa
Finalists: Ethan Zohn and Kim Johnson
Deserved to win: Ethan
Won: Ethan 5-2

This season was interesting in that the winner deserved to win even though they played an “ethical” game. Played the game tough, but nice, which was weird.


Survivor: Marquesas
Finalists: Vecepia Towery and Neleh Denis
Deserved to win: Neither
Won: Vecepia 4-3

This season was interesting in that neither of the finalists really deserved to win. Of the two Neelah deserved it more, but that’s like saying Manson was better than Hitler. Lots of moves were made this season (which was interesting), but they were participants rather than drivers in the things that took them to the end. This was also the purple rock season.


Survivor: Thailand
Finalists: Brian Heidik and Clay Jordan
Deserved to win: Brian
Won: Brian 4-3

Porno Brian, everybody’s favorite pool boy from Melrose Place (look it up, he was on 2-3 episodes) absolutely deserved to win this season, and honestly was one of the best players ever. Though the season itself gets no love, he dominated both mentally and physically, being the most well-rounded Survivor contestant to this point in its history.


Survivor: The Amazon
Finalists: Jenna Morasca and Matthew Von Ertfelda
Deserved to win: Matthew
Won: Jenna 6-1

In the most lopsided victory yet, I had my most WTF moment. Jenna was nice enough and looked good sans clothes in Playboy, but she didn’t deserve to win. Possibly as a precursor to her All-Stars appearance she almost quit. Matt didn’t play a good mental game (possibly because he was crazy), but he did play a great physical game. Rob C. dominated the mental part of the game and was one of the best players ever not to make the finals


Survivor: Pearl Islands
Finalists: Sandra Diaz-Twine and Lillian Morris
Deserved to win: Neither
Won: Sandra 6-1

For the second time in as many seasons an undeserving person won. She was more undeserving than Jenna, if that was possible. Also for the second time one of the best players ever came in third, Johnny Fairplay, who was great and played the game well for a guy with no muscle tone at all.


Survivor: All-Stars
Finalists: Rob Mariano and Amber Brkich
Deserved to win: Rob
Won: Amber 4-3

Despite dominating the game from pillar to post, Rob lost to his new girlfriend. To Amber’s credit she was viewed as an odd choice to even be selected for All-Stars and she was less of a doormat in her second go round. This rounded out three straight undeserving winners.


Survivor: Vanuatu – Islands of Fire
Finalists: Twila Tanner and Chris Daugherty
Deserved to win: Chris
Won: Chris 5-2

In a return to sanity Chris Daugherty won despite the odds against him being the only man left in the final seven. He would go on to be on American Idol and release a successful album (yes, I know it’s not the same guy.)


Survivor: Palau
Finalists: Tom Westman and Katie Gallagher
Deserved to win: Tom
Won: Tom 6-1

He deserved to win, she didn’t. Enough said.


Survivor: Guatemala – The Maya Empire
Finalists: Danni Boatwright and Stephanie LaGrossa
Deserved to win: Danni
Won: Danni 6-1

Stephanie was quite possibly the most annoying contestant ever. The fact that she got to do this two seasons in a row was interesting, because she was not annoying the first time, but maybe her sense of entitlement kicked in and that’s why I was happy she nearly got swept.


Survivor: Panama – Exile Island
Finalists: Aras Baskausas and Danielle DiLorenzo
Deserved to win: Aras
Won: Aras

From what I remember Aras did well and deserved to win.


Survivor: Cook Islands (aka Racist Survivor)
Finalists: Yul Kwon, Ozzy Lusth, and Becky Lee
Deserved to win: Toss-up between Yul and Ozzy
Won: Yul 5-4-0

In the first season to have three finalists, there were two deserving people. Yul played a better mental game, Ozzy dominated in the water in challenges. I don’t remember Becky at all, but I think she was carried by her tribe.


Survivor: Fiji
Finalists: Earl Cole, Cassandra Franklin, and Dre Herd
Deserved to win: Earl
Won: Earl 9-0-0

In a season that introduced Yau-Man, Earl was the other half of that dominating alliance. Dreamz is remembered for promising to give over immunity in exchange for a car and not doing it. The first clean sweep was deserved.


Survivor: China
Finalists: Todd Herzog, Courtney Yates, and Amanda Kimmel
Deserved to win: Todd
Won: Todd 4-2-1

Todd played an incredible mental game, despite not having physical tools. Courtney was incredibly inept and could not cut a rope. Amanda gave her first of two embarrassingly bad final tribal council speeches.


Survivor: Micronesia – Fans vs. Favorites
Finalists: Parvati Swallow and Amanda Kimmel
Deserved to win: Amanda, kind of
Won: Parvati 5-3

This is the only version of Survivor where I think that how poorly someone did at the final tribal council drastically changed the outcome. This season was interesting because of how holier than thou the returning Survivors acted, and how they were kind of stuck up bitches (including the men.) Includes the stupidest move ever (giving up individual immunity and getting booted immediately.)


Survivor: Gabon – Earth’s Last Eden
Finalists: J.T. Thomas and Stephen Fishback
Deserved to win: J.T.
Won: J.T. 7-0

J.T. dominated physically. Stephen did play a decent mental game, but despite being a lawyer he fumbled away any chance he had at winning (which was slim to start with) with an embarrassing performance at the final tribal council.


Survivor: Samoa
Finalists: Natalie White, Russell Hantz, and Mick Trimming
Deserved to win: Russell
Won: Natalie: 7-2

What the f*ck? Natalie did nothing other than align herself with Russell and look good in a not-to-practical bikini the entire season. Russell raised the bar for how to play the game, and Mick did well on a physical level. My biggest WTF moment, especially considering the 5 vote difference.


Almost a full third of the people who won shouldn’t have. What does that mean? It means that I don’t know anything about the game of Survivor. Once Russell won the final immunity I thought it was all over except the crying. I would have bet serious money against Natalie winning. I would have given odds. I would have lost it all.

Granted Russell could have given a better speech at tribal, but it was decent. Not mind blowing, but it was decent. The whole “If they outplayed me, vote for them” should have held some weight, but apparently it didn’t. I would be embarrassed if I was on this season, for the simple fact that they let someone that didn’t do anything of note walk away with a million bucks. When anyone asked about Russell lying and backstabbing I would have said, “Who was the first member of the jury? Who put him there? Was he expecting it? You all are just as guilty as me of lying; I just did it better and more often.”

Here’s what I would do if (when) I get on the show. The very first night I would sit around the campfire with my tribe mates and lay out a hypothetical situation. Two people are in the finals. A nice person who didn’t win any challenges or a person who played the game hard, but might have lied to or betrayed you. I would take note of the responses. Anyone who picked the nice person would not get to the jury if I had any say in it.

At the final tribal council I would be honest and lay out how I lied, was duplicitous, and why I did it. I would point out how the people that were standing there with me were there at my will, not because of anything they did. I would also point out why the others did not deserve to win. I would appeal to their pride. I would point out that it was a game and compare it to playing poker. I was there to win, what were they there for. If they weren’t there to win, why did they even play? It drives me insane when people talk about playing the game ethically. When asked if I would have done anything differently, I would say no. I was willing to do any and everything to put me in the finals. Regarding how I can look at myself in the mirror? I wouldn't be able to look myself in the mirror if I didn't give it my all. It's a game, it's not life. I'm not the nicest guy in real life, but on Survivor I would be the asshole I have to be to win. And with that, I would pocket a million dollars, but once again, what do I know?