Last week I started writing a blog entry which I never got around to completing which was entitled "Why I kick ass." The general theme of the post was about how I've managed to accomplish what I've accomplished with very little. The last couple of days have made me rethink that.
On Saturday my wife was watching TV in the living room and my kids were watching a show in the family room. As I was leaving the family room I had a severe chest pain. I literally fell to the ground (floor, since I'm not an animal and live indoors) in pain. For a second I thought to myself, "well, I'll just lay here and die." Then I remembered I was supposed to have sex that night and got up and walked it off.
Sunday I was doing the grocery shopping and I was listening to some Bon Jovi, and I thought to myself how great my life is. If I get hit by a truck tomorrow, I accomplished more than I ever expected to, and have a better life than I probably deserve.
Monday on the drive home the chest pains return. I end up in the hospital on oxygen, having tests run, etc. People have criticized the fact that I twittered about this and that I updated my Facebook, some accusing it of being a joke in poor taste. In all honesty as I was waiting for the ambulance to take my from Urgent Care to the hospital I was scared. Maybe this was it. Maybe I'd had my moment in the sun and that sun was now setting.
What does this have to do with why I don't kick ass? The same reasons why I started writing about why I did. I honestly believe that I am smarter than 99.9% of all people alive. Considering the fact that there are several infants and women out there, this might seem like a small feat, but still something I believe to be true. Why does this mean I don't kick ass? Because what have I done with it? I had a boss who rightly criticized me for not being the best I could be at my job, stating that I'm "good enough", but not as good as I could be. I know people that are much better at what they do because they take the time and take the effort to improve themselves. I've gone through life trying to brute force my way through challenges rather than taking the time and effort to become better at something.
As my asshole senior year basketball coach told me, "Matt, you're not good at anything. You'll never be good at anything. You'll only be average." Somewhere along the line I accepted that as fact and realized that I won't ever be good at anything. Of course the fact that I make a ton more money than he ever will somewhat cushions that blow.
Maybe the time has come to try to actually use my few FSM given gifts to excel rather than just get by. Of course, there might also be something on TV, so fuck it.
Just to let you know, I thought you were one of the smarter kids at school, so don't cut yourself short! I'm glad your heart scare turned out to be nothing too serious. You can't die yet, you have to become famous first! Don't you want to get you picture on the KM Wall of Fame? ;)
ReplyDelete